band 6.5- task2 문법이... 약하다

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

 

Should criminals be punished with lengthy jail terms or be re-educated and rehabilitated using, for instance, community service programmes, before being reintroduced to society. Present a written case or argument to an educated non-specialist audience on the above topic.

 

Write at least 250 words.

Although (Despite the fact that) rehabilitation program works in some case, a long sentence in prison is utterly needed at least until the alternative systems is completely proved. The proponents of the former thought maintain that the rehabilitation of criminals should be referred again to our society. However, I do not agree with this opinion because most prisoners are likely to do offence again, and they need to be imprisoned in order to protect our citizens from those criminals. In line with this, this essay will present points to justify my opinion. [1]

 

Although many humanists argue that rehabilitation programs works properly in some case, it is unlikely to be the case. Firstly, those prisoners who trained with a low lever level of skills in prison are often useless in the real competitive job markets. This results in those them seeking other victims to get some money as they usually did. Secondly, adult inmates are not often to be rehabilitated through (by means of) any program. According to a research, many (a number of) sexual criminals have been surveyed said that any rehabilitation activities could not help them to think about their sexual crime. In this case, it is certain that the programs are useless for those criminals. As a result, any rehabilitation program should not be reintroduced in our society.

 

Moreover (What is more), there are several reasons for a lengthy time in prison to be more benefits beneficial in order to keep our citizens in safe. To begin with, judges should sentence criminals more than 50 years in prison for any crime. So Thus, the judgment will contribute to  thea decline on such a crime rate in our society, and even this way is more effective than any measure. In addition, long sentence can be a regulation to those serial inmates. , Since since they would prefer to avoid any crime if that will be their sanction. Therefore, it is evident that the benefits of lengthy jail terms outweigh that of rehabilitation programmes.

 

On balance, although some prisoners can turn to be good citizens, it is too risky to our society. In order to protect our people, the long sentence policy should be encouraged. This is becauseSince the policy has more benefits than rehabilitation programmes.

 

Note to Students:

 

Blue Highlights: Alternative expressions for a higher score in lexical resource

Yellow Highlights: Improving supporting details

Gray Highlights: Distracting sentences

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[1] The added sentence here completes the format of your introduction.

COMMENTS

It was good that you were able to respond to the task properly by writing an essay about why you think that lengthy jail terms are more beneficial for society and why rehabilitation programs for criminals are not effective. Nevertheless, you have to write your paragraphs, especially your introduction, more effectively in order to improve the overall quality of your essay. You can follow this format when writing your introduction to ensure that it will be effective à a. give a general statement/s about the main topic b. present one view c. present the next view (if there is) d. state your opinion [if an opinion is needed] (in my opinion…/ my opinion is…) e. tell the readers what your essay is going to discuss (this essay will discuss…)