7개 에세이 10번 -첨삭 band 5.5
- 각 문단에 concluding sentense 가 없단다
- 교육분야의 한국의 교육에 관련된건 off topic 이란다.
- trade 에서도 예로 든것이 off topic ..
- 일부로 3문단으로 나눈것이 실수인듯하다. 2문단으로 구성해서 T + S + E + C 를 지켜서 쓰는게 낳을듯 싶다.
- 적어도 3문장 이상식을 간단하게나마 넣도록 해야것다.
- 첨삭 내용
Irrelevant supporting details. It is
not enough that you provide supporting details to the topic sentence of a
paragraph. You have to make sure that the supporting details you provide are
appropriate to the topic being discussed. For instance, in paragraph 2, the
main topic is concerned with why foreign aid should be given to improve the
education in developing countries. However, the supporting details about Korean
parents focusing on their children’s education do not adequately explain the topic
sentence. Hence, such arguments should be revised.
Missing Concluding Sentence. It is good that you were
able to group your ideas properly in each paragraph. However, your paragraphs are not developed as they lack concluding
sentences. Take note that a concluding sentence is different from a
concluding paragraph. The concluding sentence just summarizes the idea you have
stated in a given paragraph, while the concluding paragraph summarizes the
ideas you presented in your essay.
Also,
remember that an effective paragraph should contain at
least three sentences. An effective paragraph should have three parts:
the main sentence, the supporting sentence and the concluding sentence. Given
that you will allot one sentence for each part, the paragraph would contain
three sentences.
You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
Some people think that developed
countries should fund international aid to poor countries to help developing
countries improve domestic health, education and trade. To what extent do you
agree or disagree with this opinion?
With international aids, South Korea has developed
rapidly in diverse fields since the Korean War between the North and the South.
Now, this Korea continues to aid other developing countries. In this regard, I
strongly agree with having developed countries fund and help advance developing
countries, especially in three categories: domestic health, education and
trade.
Firstly, domestic health in developing nations is the
most important area that needs help from other nations because the health situation
of citizens of developing countries is utterly severe, no place to cure simple
illnesses (treat common
ailments) such as cold or bronchitis. Most of the sick people in these
countries die because of the absence of
care and treatments by professional doctors (medical practitioners). Foreign aid, even in the form of
medicines, medical equipment and the like, would greatly contribute in the
improvement of domestic health in developing countries.[1]
Secondly, education in developing countries is not
available to every child so most of the children are unlikely to achieve a
higher quality of life in the future. It is clear from this situation that the governments of
developing countries do not have the capacity to provide education to their
citizens. It is then the task of wealthier countries to help provide the
knowledge, skills and even educational materials to developing nations. To take South Korea for example,
all parents in this country focus on their children’s education for the latter
to have a better life in the coming year. It is clear that today eventually
every educated young Korean is a source of development in a knowledge-based
society.[2]
Finally, when it comes to the trade in developing
countries, developed nations should give opportunities for them to stand alone
on international trade markets. The common scenario is that poorer countries lack the technology to
pull their production to a larger scale. As a result, they lack the capability
to compete in international markets and they even rely on more affluent nations
for products they can use at home such as cars and technological gadgets. With
this, more affluent nations should bring the technology to the developing
countries for the latter to have the capacity to manufacture its own products.
providing them some
contracts in such a low level of industries, offering them low wage for the manpower
they supply and, making massive cloths or mining iron.[3]
To sum up, aids should be given to developing
countries because doing so will benefit all nations across the world (all around the globe). These
efforts may very well turn these developing countries to developed ones which
can donate international aid as well. Therefore, I strongly agree
[2]
These arguments do not fully explain why foreign aid is necessary in the area
of education in developing countries.
[3]
The relevance of this part to the topic sentence of the paragraph is not clear.
It should be explained further.
댓글
댓글 쓰기