6.0 band task2- 서론/본론이.. 약하다

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

 

Should developing countries only concentrate on improving industrial skills and modern technology or should they promote education first? Present your opinion.

 

Write at least 250 words.

Many developing countries are faced with the difficulty of choosing between investing on practical skills for industry (industrialization) or increasing the level of average (quality) education to fast forward their development. Between the two options, I believe that the development of the quality education is more potent in addressing the needs of the nations and its citizens and I will discuss the reasons behind it in the following paragraphs.[1]

On the one hand, modern technology is an essential part in developing countries.  Since practical skills contribute in many fields like the export and import industry from which the nation gains much profit it is highly recommended that this field should be enhanced.  In addition, many experts in industrial skills are also likely to educate many of those who attained an average level of learning to capitalize on their potential and work in the skills industry. As a result, improving industrial skills help increase the employment rate in  developing countries. Therefore, the government should put into action on the improvement of industrial skills for their citizens, for them to become competitive employees at par with the world’s leading craftsman and skilled workers.

On the other hand, there are many reasons for enhancing (boosting) education first.  First, most people who have been educated in high school are more likely to be  wealthier (successful) citizen than those who graduated only in middle schools. These graduates have more chances to get the best jobs in a highly competitive job market.[2]  Second, if most  citizens were educated in higher education, they could have the capacity to live well without being subsidized by the government. This will enable the  government to spend the budget  to enhance its economy or healthcare systems since the people are self-sufficient. Therefore, the developing countries should invest more on education to enable every citizen to have the capability to live well.

In conclusion, both sides of argument are similarly imperative to developing countries. However, I believe that improving the education system has more benefits than focusing on industrial skills. Education will equip the people the knowledge, skills, and experience to make better lives for themselves.[3] Therefore, the government in developing countries should concentrate more on the promotion of education for their nation’s success.

 

 

	Note to students: Blue Highlights: Alternative expressions for a higher score in lexical resource Yellow Highlights: Improving supporting details Gray Highlights: Distracting sentences

 

 

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[1] This sentence was revised to make it more precise and clear.

[2] I revised your sentence about this particular topic in order to make it concise.

[3] This sentence sums up your argument on why you believe education is more important than industrial skills.

comments

It is good that you were able to group your ideas properly in each paragraph. However, you need to make your sentences more concise to make your point come across to your readers clearly and try to elaborate more by providing specific details that will support your point. For example, “In conclusion, both sides of argument are similarly imperative to developing countries. However, I believe that improving the education system has more benefits than focusing on industrial skills. Education will equip the people the knowledge, skills, and experience to make better lives for themselves. Therefore, the government in developing countries should concentrate more on the promotion of education for their nation’s success.”